Series: Standalone
Release Date: February 4, 2020
Are you reeling from the pain of a break-up, unsure of where to turn?
Are you single and looking to be happy with your choices in the face of society’s constant questioning?
In How to Get Over a Boy, bestselling author Chidera Eggerue will show you, once and for all, how to reframe the stale goal of finding a man. She will equip you with tangible and applicable solutions for every part of your dating life, helping you recognize that men hold as much power in our romantic lives as we grant them.
In the past, dating books tend to lean more into the territory of ‘how to make him find you hot!’, ‘how to make him jealous!’, ‘how to get him to propose!’. But these how-tos are placing men on a pedestal of being ‘the prize’. Men are NEVER the prize. You are. Let The Slumflower show you why.
• Physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships
• Gaslighting
• Parental neglect and abandonment
• See Possible Triggers for Abuse and OTT sad parts.
Format: Hardcover
Rating: 3.75/5 stars
I picked How to Get Over A Boy off the shelf because the book is so pretty–its format is very similar to Florence Given’s Women Don’t Owe You Pretty (see my review here). Quotes fill whole-pages; the book is filled with colour and written in a variety of fonts. And, while the beginning of How to Get Over A Boy is objectively common-sense, it’s not difficult to remember that when you’re second-guessing a break-up, going through a bad break up or feeling insecure about being single, all objectivity goes out the window. Because, as economists love to say: emotions aren’t “rational.”
Not “all” men… But every man who benefits from the patriarchy… So, yes, all men.
How to Get Over A Boy is primarily geared towards heterosexual relationships because the author, Chidera, speaks from her own experience. However, I liked that the chapters were grounded in personal experience because they elevated the book’s message (to center yourself in your life because it’s your life). The personal anecdotes also acknowledged the contradictory emotions of post-breakup: seemingly easy and “rational” decisions can be quite difficult to implement. Prime example, the 30-day cut-off (you block your ex on all social media and messaging platforms for 30-days) from your ex (or the person you’re trying to get over).
Chidera makes some unique (to me) and interesting points about dating men whilst living in a patriarchal society (the current global order). Because of the way the world functions, men will always have an easier time achieving their goals, dreams, careers, making money, etc. Of course, depending on the individual, achieving might not be straight-up easy, but it won’t be made more difficult because they are a man.
I’ve, honestly, never considered how the patriarchy influences the roles we play in our relationships. But, Chidera unpacks the ‘supportive’ role that so many women take on in their heterosexual romances.
Women are encouraged to build up their partners and become the foundations from which their partner spring up off to gain more and use them as emotional crutches for their unprocessed baggage.
Of course, being in a healthy and reciprocal relationship does include sharing emotions and celebrating your partner’s successes. But, a caring and loving relationship, as Chidera so excellently demonstrates, is not a relationship that puts you second; it’s not a life where you aren’t the main character in your own story!
Chidera begins How to Get Over A Boy with the perfect first chapter: “Love exactly who you are, right now.” Her book about getting over a boy is really about recognizing you don’t need to operate your love life from a place of giving. You’re allowed to demand and to take. To be firm in your boundaries and recognize loving someone doesn’t mean you “complete” each other; you’re already whole!
Internalized Misogyny
By just living in a patriarchal system, women internalize misogynistic assumptions about other women and themselves. There’s this expectation that women “having it all” means having a high paying job and the family… yet somehow this has translated into women working full-time and still having to take care of the house and the kids full-time as well.
Women are often told in many cultures that marriage is the end goal. That after the princess marries the prince, it’s just happily ever after. But, there’s very little discussion about the emotional labour (from both parties) involved.
“In cultures where marriage immediately defines a woman’s value, them being unmarried past a certain age is interpreted as a personal failure which can result in ostracization.”
p. 21 ~ How to Get Over A Boy by Chidera Eggerue
The most frustrating part of this expectation of marriage (by a certain age, no less) is that it has convinced women they have to compete and jostle each other for a man’s attention. So, instead of building each other up, we are tearing each other down. And with it comes the constraints and judgements of a woman’s sexuality.
In the 21st century, people still believe that men biologically have a higher sex drive. But, as Chidera makes so obvious is that no, “[m]en are just more enabled to act on their urges.”
And society has even convinced everyone that the more men a woman sleeps with, the looser they will become (and therefore less pleasurable to have sex with).
“The fact remains that men have a disproportionate amount of intrinsic power, which includes access to resources, comfort and safety. It’s why we have a significant gender wage gap: in a capitalist society, money is the highest form of power a person can have, because money creates the opportunity to connect large-scale change which can tilt situations conveniently – and largely – in favour of the wealthy. And so money also becomes directly linked to masculinity, because in order for cisgender men to protect their privilege and maintain their dominion, it is in their best interest to uphold and control the gender wage gap. Think about it: if the gender wage gap didn’t exist, how else would men suddenly force their assumed power over women?”
p. 120 ~ How to Get Over A Boy by Chidera Eggerue
Mainstream Feminism’s Strong Independent Woman versus Hypergamy
I admit that if you’ve already read some feminist books, not much in How to Get Over A Boy will surprise you. But, one part did give me pause. I have never heard about hypergamy before, but in this book, it’s defined as follow:
hy•per•ga•my /hīˈpərɡəmē/
(noun)
the action of marrying or forming a sexual relationship with a person of a superior sociological or educational background.
Definition from Oxford Languages
A woman dating someone because they’re wealthy in our present society has been given the misogynistic term, gold-digger. Reading this statement, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head; I had never previously understood ‘gold-digger’ as misogynistic. But, in a society where it’s easier for a man than a woman to get a leg up the socio-economic ladder, why is it that women are looked down upon for wanting their partner to have a stable job in which they make good money? And why is it that some feminists would say it’s anti-feminist to want to be spoiled by your partner who makes that money?
It seems both sides of the aisle (the misogynists and supposed feminists) are saying how a woman in the 21st century should behave. But as Chidera so aptly put it:
“The smartest women on this planet are those who have figured out that patriarchy is a rigged system that limits women who conform…”
p. 48 ~ How to Get Over A Boy by Chidera Eggerue
So, you might as well do whatever the hell you want.
In Conclusion
What I appreciated the most about How to Get Over A Boy was its practical advice; the book gives a good starting place for comprehensive next steps.
Chidera includes accessible information for her readers to discover their love-language (which can help with communication in relationships) and attachment theory (which gives the reader different psychological profiles from which they form connections).
These resources offer the chance to do further reading and reflect on yourself and how you want to approach relationships.
However, the reason the book wasn’t a four-star read for me was no fault of the books. Much of the novel included basic feminism messages that weren’t new to me. So, the rating is definitely a reflection of my reading experience.
There are also some great tips on getting over a boy (as the title does suggest). I’ve already mentioned the thirty-day no-contact-rule, but the rule also seeks to foster comfort and confidence with being alone–like taking yourself on a date! I know many people who hate eating at restaurants alone, but it can be so freeing!
So, while How to Get Over A Boy is a great feminist self-help book for getting over a boy… the book offers so much more.
Buy How to Get Over A Boy
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