Performative White Feminism: Women Don’t Owe You Pretty by Florence Given

Series: Standalone

Release Date: June 11, 2020

Format: Hardcover

Rating: 4/5 stars

Trigger Warning: This review discusses topics that can be triggering for some. Please read the ‘Possible Triggers’ tab above for details.

Note: This novel is very similar to What a Time to Be Alone: The Slumflower’s Guide to Why You Are Already Enough by The Slumflower (Chidera Eggerue) which was published in 2018. Women Don’t Owe You Pretty was published in 2020. If Given’s book looks like something you want to read, I highly recommend reading What a Time to Be Alone first.

Edit January 3, 2021: After doing some research and unpacking my biases, I realized it’s important for potential readers to be aware that much of Women Don’t Owe You Pretty includes a dissection of “pretty politics.” “Conventional” beauty is synonymous with white, non-disabled, thin and cisgender. Therefore, if you want a book that truly understands the discrimination of “pretty politics,” I suggest looking towards an author who occupies none of these traits (read: is not white, non-disabled, thin or cisgender).

I now understand that people who cannot speak from the experience of being most harmed by discrimination – choosing to not shave is distinctly different than not being thin, for example – should not be given a microphone or platform to talk about the problem. Those affected but not the most affected should pass the mic to those who are disproportionally hurt. As a result, I’ve decreased my rating to 1-stars to reflect my disappointment about the lack of awareness concerning “pretty politics” and acknowledge my enjoyment of the author’s other messages (like hetrifying and romanticism). My 4-start review below remains unchanged.

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Women Don’t Owe You Pretty was a quintessential 4-star read. I loved the book, its messages and the critical topics Florence discussed. However, being a student of gender studies, I felt that the discussion of the earlier topics (the importance of self-love) was facile. I would’ve appreciated a more in-depth unpacking of these issues, including a thesis/argument and citations. But, I realized post-reading that Women Don’t Owe You Pretty is being marketed as a feminist memoir, making the lack of citations less frustrating.

Having followed Florence on Instagram for a while, I assumed I already understood the gist of her book. However, once I discovered she intended to unpack ‘pretty politics’ and its patriarchal connotations, I was so excited! Pretty politics is not a topic I know much about, and to be honest, I haven’t come across it that much in my formal or informal education.

I do want to emphasize that Women Don’t Owe You Pretty is a great introductory book/memoir for people who wish to understand what feminism represents. Feminism in the media is framed within racist and misogynist narratives, so many look down on people who identify as feminists. I really enjoyed Florence’s “discussion” with younger Florence at the beginning of the book. It helps readers understand that when feminists throw around the term ‘the patriarchy,’ they are talking about everyday life; they are talking about the society and culture that is ‘normal’ and the status quo for everyone. The conversation also demonstrates how propagated values and norms within our (patriarchal) society result in internalized misogyny and racism.

Internalized Misogyny

Florence also mentions how women are used as tools for the patriarchy. Women–sometimes to survive and gain power in a world that does everything to prevent it–will push each other down to get ahead, compounding the trauma they go through just because they were born a woman. It means that the patriarchy doesn’t have to do its dirty work: girls will call each other bitches to ensure they get the hottest boy, the most popular friends and more.

“Women are constantly expected to be ‘nice.’ What that really means is ‘perform emotional labour for free.’ If you don’t conform, you’re a bitch.” 

Florence Given ~ Women Don’t Owe You Pretty

Florence also makes a critical point, especially for countries where the oppression of women isn’t overt. For example, even women who appear to have it all (the high powered job, the partner and kids), there are still things that detract from it. To illustrate, maybe that woman isn’t paid the same as a man in her position at work, or maybe her co-workers look down at her for all the maternity leave she gets. Or, perhaps she comes home from her high power job and has to start her second shift as the primary caretaker and homemaker to her kids and partner. Florence’s point is emphasized later on in the book: people mustn’t define oppression by the exceptions to the norm because they do not indicate what the majority experiences.

Just Dump Him

Florence’s work on Instagram and in her memoir is firmly rooted in her prioritization of boundaries. To be mentally healthy, one must create and enforce their boundaries and be uncompromising when someone–including friends, family or lovers–violates those boundaries.

Being uncompromising in a relationship was something I needed to hear for a long time… but had never heard until I found Florence’s Instagram feed. Most of what I’ve read on relationships–and marriage–is that its foundation rests on compromises. But, if you are compromising who you are and what you need to feel safe and respected in a relationship, why are you in the relationship?

“When you settle for crumbs it sends a message to that person that that’s all you think you deserve.”

Florence Given ~ Women Don’t Owe You Pretty

The idea that compromising to form relationships doesn’t work because it forges a false connection —you’re putting a false foot forward in a relationship – is quite compelling.

Hetrifying vs the Female Gaze

I was really intrigued by two other concepts: (1) hetrifying and (2) the female gaze.

The influence of the male gaze on society and femininity also means that our society and culture understand ‘natural femininity’ is inherently flawed. Women have been oppressed for such a long time that we as people don’t actually know what ‘natural femininity’ is because femininity has been defined and constructed but what men think femininity should be.

“… queer representation in the media isn’t going to brainwash your child, Boomer. Because heteronormativity already has.”

Florence Given ~ Women Don’t Owe You Pretty

Consent

Consent is such an important topic. It’s frightening that so few people understand what consent really means: consent can only be valid if the person is not drunk, high, or asleep.

Consent is either a ‘yes’ or ‘no’… yet society has ingrained protection of abusers to such an extent that terms like ‘dubious consent’ exist. If you are unsure if you have consent, ask because otherwise, your assumption should be no.

Dubious consent is a theme that is so frustrating within romance novels. It also speaks of how socialized rape culture is within our society. I’m not well versed in BDSM relationships, for example, but the fact that people need to create safe words that mean ‘no’ and ‘stop’ or ‘I feel unsafe’ instead of saying ‘no’ or ‘stop’ or ‘I feel unsafe’ demonstrates how the word ‘no’ isn’t taken seriously anymore. I’ve read so many romance novels when a heroine says no to a kiss, attempts to push him away, or says stop during sex, and the hero takes that as she needs more convincing. So, he continues to kiss and/or having sex with her… which is sexual assault and/or rape.

Rape Culture and the Nice Guy

“… abuse in our society has been normalized. When something is normalized, we accept it and it remains unchallenged. We settle for mediocre partners because we don’t believe we deserve better or believe that ‘better’ even existed for ‘someone like us.’”

Florence Given ~ Women Don’t Owe You Pretty

The insidiousness of rape culture is mind-boggling when you think through how our society has become socialized to blame the victim of rape and sexual assault instead of trying to find the rapist. Rape is the only crime where the victim is put on trial: they get asked, did they say no, what were they wearing, were you drinking, and more. The immediate assumption of society is that survivors of rape or abuse who speak out are lying. Very rarely is the response, let’s wait and see what an investigation yields. Florence really hits home how horrible the reaction is to survivors by comparing rape allegations to robbery allegations. If someone reports a robbery to the police–even if it’s a mugging–the police still take the victim’s statement and do the due diligence of having a case on the chance they find the perpetrator. But, with rape allegations, survivors are often turned away by the police, saying that there isn’t much they can do *shrug*. The chance of catching a mugger who steals objects is treated more seriously than rape.

Another aspect of the insidiousness of rape culture is that society has been socialized to think that rapists are evil strangers who lurk in alleys. But, most rape survivors know their rapists from their everyday life. Rapists are “nice guys” who have sisters, mothers, and aunts. They are your friend.

“We forget that people are culture — and it’s time to hold these people accountable for their actions.”

Florence Given ~ Women Don’t Owe You Pretty

The ‘nice guy but really an asshole’ trope is something I’ve seen a lot in romance books: the nice guy who displays toxic behaviour is excused from said behaviour because he’s such a nice guy. This trope has become so ingrained in our society that it’s becoming romanticized.

“Some things aren’t normal, they have been normalized. There’s a difference.”

Florence Given ~ Women Don’t Owe You Pretty

Romanticism

The chapter, You Don’t Have to Get Married (No, Really), was particularly intriguing. Florence discusses how you should only look for a partner when you’re confident in yourself–when you love yourself. When you no longer need external validation to feel confident or self-love.

Florence’s repeated discussion of not settling was transformative. She brings back the ‘don’t settle for crumbs’ throughout the whole book and uses thematic examples to illustrate the dimensionality of how women are socialized to settle.

Prime example? On a date, if a man checks all of your boxes but has conflicting political perspectives, some women might take it upon themselves to educate him. The idea that no one is perfect creates this expectation that you should settle for someone who doesn’t meet all of your needs. And, while it’s valid that no one is perfect, there are billions of other people in the world… which means you can find someone where you don’t have to spend the emotional labour trying to alter someone’s ingrained political views.

I love that Florence challenges the belief that a stable relationship is built on compromises. Stable, healthy relationships should actually be built on mutual respect for each other’s boundaries and priorities.

Heteronormativity, movies, novels, your parents and even your friends will have you believe that you are “strong” for “putting up with a man’s shit.”

Florence Given ~ Women Don’t Owe You Pretty

In Conclusion

Women Don’t Owe You Pretty is a feminist memoir that covers a broad number of topics. It’s a novel that is a great introduction to intersectional feminism. However, because of its lack of critical depth to the discussed topics, it didn’t meet my (high) expectations.

The introductory chapter to Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, I think, is very accurate: Feminism Will Ruin Your Life (In a Good Way). Feminism allows people to understand how injustice, inequalities and oppressions are normalized in everyday life. They have become so normal that they are reproduced in our popular culture and live in our unconscious bias, which socializes the younger generations to believe the same.

I really appreciated that Florence dedicated a section in her first chapter to address why the first response to change, evolution and self-awareness is defensiveness. I feel that society has conditioned people to assume that any critical reflection is an attack when that’s not the case. One can only improve when one knows and understands what the problem is.

I really enjoyed the novel’s entirety, but if I were to recommend one mandatory chapter to read, it would be Chapter 14: Women Do Not Exist to Satisfy the Male Gaze. Chapter 14 demonstrates the pervasiveness of the oppressive patriarchal norms that have become so ingrained in our society that we don’t bother to second guess why the world is this way.

I also really enjoyed the discussion on how consent isn’t restricted to sexual relationships but friendships, strangers and family. Knowing and understanding a person’s boundaries is vital to having a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

One final critique was that I would’ve preferred having the acknowledgements at the book’s start rather than the end. It made the acknowledgements seem like a bit of an asterisk and, especially because the only citations in the books were statistics, this formatting really annoyed me.

† Interesting that amazon.ca isn’t letting me post a review; I get a “This item is not eligible to be reviewed.” This is why I don’t like reviewing on Amazon.

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